If I Die Young
by Ballanchinewriting2
Summary: They didn't make any plans for if this happened. They thought they'd never lose one another and their secrets would die with them. Character death, but that's not the focus. It's more back story. T for language
1. Uncle Elliot

AN: I got this idea listening to "If I die Young" by The Band Perry. It originated really as a one shot and grew when I couldn't sleep. Totally AU, but I can dream…

"Uncle Elliot" a high pitched voice called, racing down the steps of Olivia's building. It would always be her building, no matter what happened.

"Hey Marie" Elliot said, scooping up his daughter in his good arm. He was always surprised by how delicate she was. She was just like her mother, tough exterior, but an entirely different reality.

"Uncle El, don't be sad" Marie said, wiping away one of his tears just like her mother used to do.

"I'm not, love," he said, forcing a smile. "You ready to go? Granddad Cragen's waiting in the car"

"Is Aunt Kathy coming to the church with us?" Marie asked as he put her down. She quickly reached for his good hand and swung their entwined hands between them.

"Uhm, she and mommy aren't really-" he broke off, not wanting to shatter the innocence of his six-year-old daughter. "No Marie, she's not. But Lizzie, Mo and Katie are"

"No Dickie?" she asked. "But he always gives me candy" she lamented, affecting a pout. "Why?"

"He would if he could, love, trust me" he said, avoiding the fact that Dickie had _refused _to come because he didn't want to cry in front of everyone. Marie gave a huffy sigh.

"Are you at least going to tell me what happened to your arm?"

"The monsters got it" Elliot teased, smiling at his daughter and ruffling her dark brown hair.

"Did the monsters look like this?" she asked, crossing her blue eyes and sticking out her tongue. Elliot chuckled, a foreign feeling after the events of the past few days.

"Exactly like that" he smiled, buckling her into the car.

"Granddad" she squealed when she saw Cragen.

"Hey Marie, how's it going?" Cragen asked, glancing at her in the rearview mirror and seeing the very image of her mother.

"Great! These shoes hurt though" she said, dangling her flats off her heels. "I told mom they're too small, but she forgot to get me new ones before she went on vacation." Cragen shot Elliot a look as they drove down Fifth Avenue.

"Really Elliot? Vacation?"

"What did you expect me to say? 'A serial rapist shot mommy because I was a coward? Now she's dead, gone forever'" he whispered.

"You should have told her the truth" Cragen said after an awkward pause.

"I couldn't even tell her that Santa Claus isn't real, how do you expect me to tell her that Olivia's, that Liv's-" he broke off, unable to say it. It was still so surreal to him. Olivia wasn't supposed to die, let alone die young and leave the entire world behind. Leave him behind…


	2. Hindsight

When they arrived at the church, Elliot walked Marie to the rather empty family section of the pews. Simon, Olivia's half-brother, had finally landed himself in jail a few years back, therefore the pew held only Serena Benson, Liv's estranged mother.

"Hello, Elliot" Serena said.

"Hi, Serena" he replied. "Alright Marie, sit with Nana for now" he said, handing her over and making his way to the friends section of the pews where his other family awaited him.

"Elliot, wait!" Serena called. Elliot turned around slowly. Serena picked up Marie, placed her on her lap and handed her a piece of candy, distracting her. "You should sit here" Serena said, scooting over and offering him a smile almost identical to her daughter's.

"Serena" he began cautiously.

"Elliot, you belong here more than I do," Serena stated, "and you'll never let me forget it." Elliot swallowed down his bitterness. Olivia had to die for Serena to realize he belonged with her. _Hindsight_ may be 20/20, but Elliot would never forgive Serena for not having the _foresight _to accept her daughter's choices.

"Serena" Elliot said again, "I should be with my kids now."

"And what is Marie, Elliot?" Serena hissed, keeping her voice down. "Was she an afterthought? Something you can just drop in my lap?"

"You know that's not what I meant" Elliot said through his teeth, knowing Serena was gearing up for the old adage. It would be just like her to make Olivia's funeral more impossible than it already was.

"Really?" Serena asked sarcastically. Elliot couldn't stand talking to her. She was so much like Liv, and yet nothing like her at the same time. She was a tease of the women he loved. "Because that's what is sounded like."

"Serena, listen to yourself" Elliot whispered angrily. "If I sit with you and not Maureen, Kathleen and Elizabeth then I've just confirmed all the gossip Olivia was so desperate not to prove"

"_Olivia's dead_" Serena spat. "She's not here to deal with any of the gossip, don't hide behind her. Own up to your actions, Elliot"

"_**Serena!**_" Elliot hissed. "_**Not here"**_

"Yes, here" she continued to antagonize him, as was her nature. "Everyone's here. It's time to admit everything you and Olivia tried so hard to hide. It's time to start telling the truth!"

"Dad!" Maureen called from a pew a few aisles away. Elliot looked up and nodded at his eldest daughter.

"Serena, it's Olivia's funeral for the love of God" Elliot said. "No one needs to find anything out on today of all days"

The funeral was intolerable. Oh, it was beautiful, respectful and everything Elliot could have wished for Liv. But all the prayers, sermons and hymns in the world wouldn't change the fact that tomorrow he would once again wake up without Olivia. Maureen, Liz and Kathleen cried the entire funeral, but Elliot held back every tear. It felt wrong to cry because he no longer had Olivia, when she was the one who died. She was the one who had lost everything. And it was his fault entirely. The pastor droned on, but Elliot didn't hear a word. He was back in that warehouse by the harbor.

FLASHBACK

Above them the sky was just beginning to darken after a long day of hunting down a perp all over the city. Olivia and Elliot could hear movement inside the warehouse. She took off running, determined to rescue that little girl before her rapist did her anymore harm. Olivia would never admit it, but Elliot knew cases like this really got to her since Marie was born. Elliot let her go, knowing she wouldn't have stopped because it was dangerous. That just wasn't Liv. He entered close behind her and they both crouched behind a box, guns drawn.

"We need to call for back up" Elliot whispered.

"Fin and Munch are on their way" Liv said, craning her head to see their suspect, Michael Crown—serial child rapist, kidnapper and murderer. Some people just got off on being repulsive. "On three?" she asked. Elliot nodded, waited for her signal and then sprang from behind the box. "Police, hands up!" Olivia shouted, distracting Crown while Elliot walked around to surround him. Crown immediately pulled a gun on Olivia.

"Drop the gun" Crown said to Olivia.

"Michael, don't do this" Olivia said, beginning to bargain.

"Don't play nice with me, drop the gun bitch!" Crown said. Olivia shot Elliot a pointed look before slowly placing her gun on the ground.

"Alright, Michael, alright" she said, putting her hands up. "Now where's Jay?" Elliot took a silent step forward.

"Downtown" Crown said. Elliot took another step forward.

"Where downtown?" Liv asked. Her voice was calm as ever, even when staring down the barrel of a gun. She trusted Elliot to have her back—she'd had his child after all, she'd better trust him.

"East 22nd street" Crown said.

"Good," Olivia replied. Elliot took two steps forward. "Where? What's the address?" Elliot took another two steps forward. The barrel of his gun was only a few inches from Crown's head.

"12-" he broke off when he heard Elliot click his gun. He wheeled around and shot Elliot once in the shoulder.

"Elliot" Liv screamed, unable to remain calm as he went down. All the training and experience in the world couldn't prepare you to watch someone you loved go down. Michael turned back to her, training the gun on her again.

"Move and I'll kill him" he said. Elliot stood back up slowly. He put his gun in his uninjured hand and trained it on Crown again. His injured shoulder trickled blood onto the floor.

"Elliot" Olivia said again.

"_Elliot, Elliot_" Crown mocked Olivia.

"I'm fine, Olivia" Elliot said.

"_I'm fine, Olivia_" Crown mocked Elliot. "You're a fucking traitor, that's what you are."

"Where's Jay?" Elliot asked Crown.

"You're a liar" Crown said. "You said that you wouldn't try to hurt me. You tricked me."

"Poor fucking you, where's _Jay_?" Elliot asked, pissed off.

"Shoot me, Elliot, because I'm never going to tell you where Jay is. You should have played fair" Crown shouted.

"Crown, you're already going away for a long time, where's Jay?" Elliot asked. He could see Olivia swallow nervously. It never got easier having a gun aimed at your head with no plan, just more common.

"Shoot me, Elliot" he screamed.

"Tell me where Jay is, and trust me; I will have no problem shooting you"

"Fine, be stupid" Crown said. "You either shoot me or-" he broke off and clicked his gun, smiling evilly at Olivia—"or I shoot her. Your choice"

"Michael, don't do this. You know you can get a deal if you just tell us where Jay is" Olivia negotiated.

"Just shut-up" Crown said, exasperatedly. "This is between your partner and me. He thought he was slick, now he must make a decision. Shoot me or watch you die"

"Where's Jay?" Elliot asked.

"You really suck at this, don't you?" Crown said. Elliot's finger hovered over the trigger of his gun. "Shoot me. You have three seconds or she dies"

Elliot stared him down, sniffing out his bluff. He wouldn't do it. He was sick, but not stupid. He won't be so stupid, Elliot thought. Just then two shots shattered the silence. Olivia fell to the ground.

"_No_" Elliot shouted. The rest is a blur. Munch and Fin rushed in and cuffed Crown, who immediately began to shout Jay's location like the madman he is. Elliot knelt down next to Olivia. He'd always thought that if this _ever_ happened he'd have time to tell her how he felt about her and Marie. But, she was already dead, her blood pooled around her. Elliot was now in love with a corpse.

END FLASHBACK


	3. Blasphemy

"Why'd the man keep saying mommy's name, Nana?" Marie asked Serena as they walked to Liv's grave.

"Because he was talking about her" Serena replied. Elliot wasn't far away from the dangerous conversation between his daughter and Liv's mother. The mourners were all moving in one grief stricken clump. "You know that's what they do at funerals"

"Funeral?" Marie asked with her usual precociousness. "For w-"

"Look Marie, its Uncle Fin and Uncle Munch" Elliot interrupted. Marie scampered off to accept hugs from the two red-eyed men.

"You didn't tell her?" Serena whispered incredulously, falling into step with Elliot.

"Neither did you" Elliot retorted.

"I'm not the one who knocked up her dead mother!" Serena said quickly. Elliot seriously began to resent the good side of Liv that had convinced her six years ago that it was a good idea to tell her deadbeat mother she was pregnant with Elliot's child.

"Believe it or not, I didn't just _knock _Olivia up."

"I choose not. She may as well have been raped, Elliot" Serena hissed, her eyes black. She hated Elliot almost as much as she hated her own rapist. "Marie has no mother _or_ father now"

"What do you want from me, Serena?" Elliot exclaimed, calling the attention of the funeral party. Drama was not something they had expected to witness at the funeral of one of New York's finest.

"You know what I expect from you!" Serena retorted, her own voice raised. The entire party stared. Men Elliot had known forever now stared at him like he was just some rage consumed stranger.

"It's not like Olivia and I ever planned for this to happen!"

"Story of your lives it seems!" Serena screamed, forgetting that they weren't the only two people there, and ignoring the fact that arguing wasn't helping anything. "Whether you planned for it or not, it happened. Just like Marie happened!"

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Elliot exclaimed loudly, committing blasphemy in a graveyard. That was what his life had become without Olivia, one huge sin. "Olivia's dead! The last thing I need is shit from you."

"Elliot, that's enough" Cragen said sternly. Elliot turned around then, taking in the crowd that had gathered around him and Serena. His eyes fell on Marie, who was whimpering and crying as she clutched Fin's hand. Fin himself could hardly believe Elliot would disgrace Olivia like this. When Marie caught Elliot's eye, she walked over to him. The mourners parted to let her through, a wall of blue dotted with silver and gold badges.

"Uncle Elliot?" Marie began, fighting her tears. "Olivia is mommy's name, is mommy on vacation or is she, or is she…dead?" Marie finished, her voice hitching on tears.

"I'm so sorry, Marie" Elliot said his own tears finally falling. Hurting Marie was the last thing he wanted to do. He was ashamed of himself. "But, mommy's no longer with us." There, he said it, and it hurt worse than he thought it would. Marie burst into loud, hiccupping tears. Elliot just looked at his daughter—at Olivia and his daughter—and had no idea how to comfort her.

"So now," Marie wept. "I don't have a mother or a father? Who am I going to live with?" she asked, panic rising in her eyes. She fell against Elliot's chest, weeping and waiting for some bit of compassion from her 'Uncle Elliot.'

"I can't do this" Elliot said, gently pushing Marie from him. Munch quickly took her, soothing her. Elliot looked around the crowd for Serena, but she was long gone. _Figures, she only ever stops by to further fuck things up._

"Elliot" Cragen said, stepping forward. "You-" Elliot just took off his badge and gun and dropped it at Cragen's feet.

"I'm not going to do this now" he said before bolting from the graveyard. The last thing he heard was Marie calling after him.


	4. Truth

AN: Alright everyone, it heats up here. I hope you're all following the flashbacks okay. Those were the most fun to write. Especially this one, I just threw in a little fluff and angst. I hope I didn't go too far into the OOC zone, but of course, they have never been in this situation on the show, so no one really knows how they would truly react. This is my first time ever posting anything, so of course, reviews are welcome. But, I'm not one of those people who holds chapters hostage until she gets reviews…Enjoy.

Elliot walked deliriously until he found himself in Central Park. He'd bolted from Olivia's funeral to her favorite place. No matter what he did, he would always be living his life as if she was still right there beside him. He only further proved this fact when he sat down on "their" bench. It was the bench where Elliot could always find Olivia when something was bothering her. In fact, it was right here that Olivia had finally told him she was pregnant. He could practically feel Olivia's presence next to him as he remembered that day.

FLASHBACK

Elliot put a cup of coffee and cream cheese bagel on his partner's desk. Lately she had seemed tired and withdrawn. Nothing like the feisty, confident woman he knew and definitely loved. He hoped this small gesture would perk her up. He sat down in his desk across from hers and waited. She was late, rare for her. Twenty minutes later she sat down slowly in her chair, saying nothing, not even 'good morning.' When her eyes fell on the bagel and coffee she turned green.

"Olivia?" Elliot questioned when she hurried toward the bathroom, a hand clamped over her mouth. When she came back she smiled at him, embarrassed.

"So much for the flu shot theory" she joked half-heartedly as she sat down. She quickly pushed the coffee and bagel to his side of the desk, still looking like she was about to be sick.

"Are you okay?" Elliot asked her.

"Of course" she said, smiling a bit too broadly to conceal the lie. "Just a touch of the flu"

"No, I meant" Elliot faltered. "I mean…is everything okay at home?" he asked lamely. "Because it seems as if you had this 'flu' for a few weeks now"

"Thanks Dr. Elliot" Liv joked. "But, really, I'm fine. So what have we got?"

Elliot took her word that one time. But, when she began to take the defense position in the field, accept desk duty and even begin to take sick days, he started to worry. He wondered if her PTSD hadn't come back. She had finally admitted what happened at Sealview a year after it happened. It had been really rough, but they had worked through it. But now, Olivia seemed relentlessly tired, she'd stopped eating lunch with him or even eating at all, and she'd begun to wear baggy clothes. All this was coming from the woman who used to make his blood boil in skin tight dresses.

He hadn't confronted her since the bagel incident, even though there had been many more trips to the bathroom blamed on bad take-out or a hectic night out with the girls. But, Elliot knew better. She had pulled away from him so much that they were barely friends anymore. There was something wrong. Elliot began to wonder if he'd done something, or if maybe that one night together had had greater consequences for their friendship than he thought…

The breaking point came one day when Elliot walked into the locker room to retrieve his forgotten phone. He'd already said good-bye to Olivia, and he startled her when he walked back in suddenly.

"Jesus, El, you scared me" she said, pulling her jacket on quickly and stepping behind her open locker door to button it up. She was hiding from him.

"Sorry" Elliot said half-heartedly. Why was she acting so weird around him, what had he done? If it was about that one night… "Liv, isn't it a little warm for a jacket? It is July in Manhattan"

"Thanks, El" Liv said quickly, finishing the buttons on her jacket and slamming her locker door in anger. "Thanks a lot" she said bitterly. Only then did he realize she'd been crying. Her eyes were puffy and her nose was running slightly. "That's just what I need to hear from you!" she said, storming out of the locker room.

"Olivia!" he called, poised to run after her.

"Screw you" she shot back as she paused at the entrance to the bullpen, still fighting her tears.

"What did I do, Liv?" Elliot asked. "I think I deserve to at least know what I did." Olivia just shook her head, as if it was all too much.

"Sorry" she said finally. "Just…sorry" she sighed, turning and continuing to race out of the precinct. Elliot waited a few minutes before deciding he would go after her, he would fix things no matter what.

He found her on what he secretly called 'their bench' in Central Park. It was right by the lake and partially hidden from the path. It didn't matter what happened, a hard case, a stupid fight, personal issues, they would come out to this bench. Sometimes words helped, and sometimes it was better if they kept quiet. This time he knew they needed words, silence would kill them. Olivia was sitting sideways on the bench, her knees drawn in toward herself protectively. She was crying, not even trying to hide it. Elliot sat down next to her and hooked his arm around the back of the bench, linking them together.

"You going to talk to me?" he asked softly. "Or are you just going to keep pretending that our lives don't suck right now?" She gave a little watery laugh and wiped her tears. He scooted closer to her, waiting.

"Do you regret it?" she asked so quietly that he had to strain to hear her. "Do you regret what we did?"

"No, or at least I didn't"

"What do you mean you 'didn't?'" she asked, putting her feet on the ground and turning to face him. He ran a hand over his face, wishing this wasn't so damn hard.

"I didn't regret it until…until you stopped talking to me and pulled away" he said, noting how she seemed to lean into him and remain solidly upright at the same time. "What happened Olivia, and don't give me that flu bullshit." She laughed again, but this time it was in disbelief. Almost as if she couldn't believe she was doing this.

"You want the truth?" she asked on a sigh. She wiped away her tears, steeling herself. "I'm…pregnant" she said, looking him dead in the eyes.

"_What_?"

"It's yours"

"I would never doubt you" Elliot said, blurting out the first thing that came to mind. Olivia didn't smile. "How long?"

"Four and a half months" she said. Elliot swallowed and reached for her jacket. He carefully undid each button until he revealed her purple button down shirt. She looked up at him, a few tears rolling down her cheeks, and brought his hand down to her slightly rounded abdomen. Elliot looked up in amazement.

"Your baby?" he asked like a five-year-old. Liv laughed genuinely for the first time all night.

"Yes, _our_ baby"

END FLASHBACK


	5. Doorways

AN: So the proverbial crap hit that fan last chapter. Let's see if they can work things out…Thanks for the reviews! They were awesome! It gets a little smutty here, enjoy…

P.S.: I'm not a Kathy-hater in anyway really, and I tried not to make her a total bitch, but the possessiveness just worked for this story since I went totally AU, you'll see…

That was six years ago. Today Elliot almost couldn't believe it had all happened the way it did. Olivia had had a rough first trimester. She'd been forced to take all those sick days because of severe morning sickness. She'd been hiding it all; every symptom, every emotion and every fear. Elliot couldn't begin to imagine how hard it must have been to learn how to be pregnant all alone. He wished she'd told him the minute she found out so he could have been there for her. He had assured her that he never would have left her side if he had known.

When she was six months pregnant she finally broke down and told Cragen. If she didn't tell him soon, her baby bump would. After talking, or rather arguing, about it for two days, they came to the conclusion that neither of them could lose their job. It meant too much to both of them. And, it really wasn't any of Cragen's business what they did in private if it wasn't interfering with work. So, Olivia told him that her condition was the result of invitro. Cragen only bought the story because it was Olivia, of that Elliot was sure. Cragen had looked right at him when Olivia left his office, if that didn't confirm his suspicions he didn't know what would. When Olivia finally told Fin, Munch and Casey, Casey had actually congratulated Elliot. She played it off as joke, but everyone knew exactly what she was implying. That was when Olivia said that they had to start being careful. She didn't want gossip about "Elliot's other woman" following her everywhere she went. He'd seen how hurt she'd been by this label on their relationship and immediately filed for divorce. It was borderline common knowledge that he and Kathy were over. He had been married to the job for years and they'd raised their children already, what was left? They'd abandoned their relationship years ago. Elliot wanted to be there for his daughter and Liv, they were his entire life now. But, Kathy refused to sign the papers, saying that if she had to lose him, it would never be to Olivia. That was why Elliot was nothing more than 'Uncle Elliot' to his own daughter and only Olivia's NOK for emergencies. He could remember the exact moment when he realized that he wanted more…

FLASHBACK

Liv was so pregnant that Cragen finally forced her on maternity leave lest she turn the bullpen into a maternity ward. Olivia went reluctantly, tucking cold case files under her arm as she did so. Elliot drove her home on her last day and helped her up to her apartment. Stairs had become something of a challenge for her as she lost sight of her feet. He felt as if he'd looked up and suddenly she was _really _pregnant. Things had been so chaotic, what with the pregnancy being a secret, and _then_ a lie. Add Kathy and the divorce on top of that, and Elliot felt as if he'd missed most of Olivia's pregnancy behind a veil of difficulty and anger.

"Elliot" Liv said as she rested her purse on her eight-months-pregnant stomach. "I can't find my damn key" she complained, blowing a strand of her hair out of her eyes. She hadn't gained weight anywhere but her stomach, making the extreme length of her hair the only other sign of her pregnancy.

"I've got mine" he said letting her in. She smiled at him gratefully.

"So, I'll see you around?" she said, standing in her doorway like a teenager on a first date, unsure of what should happen next.

"Of course, Liv" Elliot said, stepping toward her. She was stroking her stomach just slightly. She didn't like people staring at it or touching it, and it was endearing when Elliot caught her hands on it. It would be awful not seeing her everyday, not watching these quirks that made him love her. "I want to be more than just around, you know" Elliot said. He leaned toward Olivia and covered the hand stroking her stomach with his. He felt their child moving beneath their hands, sensing the love.

"Elliot" Liv breathed, glancing down at their entwined hands. Elliot silenced her with a gentle kiss. They'd always had a close friendship, but other than the one night stand that had gotten her pregnant, they hadn't been intimate. When Olivia didn't pull back, Elliot deepened the kiss. Olivia leaned toward him, partly caught up in the kiss and partly for balance. Elliot wrapped his arm around her waist and let the kiss go from gentle to passionate. "Elliot, we can't go here" she said suddenly, pulling back. They were both breathing hard, and Liv was flustered at the sudden leap toward intimacy.

"Olivia, why?" Elliot pleaded. "It's not like we haven't gone farther." Olivia smiled faintly, acknowledging the irony.

"You know why" she whispered, not sadly or bitterly or passionately, but resignedly, the way she had learned to say almost everything that disappointed her. "It's not that I don't want to-"

"Then what's stopping you?" Elliot exclaimed. Olivia glanced around nervously.

"You want one of my nosy neighbors to report us?" she hissed. "You want to be in Cragen's office Monday morning with IAB breathing down our necks?"

"Olivia, screw all that. It didn't matter eight months ago"

"I wasn't carrying all the evidence under my shirt then, Elliot" Olivia said passionately. Her cheeks flushed as she spoke, and Elliot thought that she couldn't have been more beautiful. "Do you know the kind of looks I get from Fin, from Munch—from uniforms I've never even met before?"

"Olivia, they can't judge you. Ignore them"

"Oh yeah? And what should I do when I go to the doctor alone? Or when the damned nosy grocer asks me why my husband isn't doing the shopping for me? What should I do then El? Should I ignore them too?"

"Liv, I'm sorry"

"Yeah thanks Elliot, aren't you always just _so_ sorry?" Liv said sarcastically, trying to close the door. Elliot quickly stepped in front of the door, stopping her.

"I know it sucks living this way. But, don't push me away Liv. I want to be with you and our child, what can I do? Just tell me and I will do it"

"Kathy sign those divorce papers yet?" Liv asked. When Elliot didn't respond Liv smiled resignedly. "Exactly, now get out of my doorway" she said, stepping back and slamming the door in his face. That night, he went home to Kathy, packed his things and moved out the next day, crashing on Munch's couch until he found his own place. It was during one of the late night talks with Munch—one divorcee to another—that he realized his relationship with Kathy as officially over. He knew then and there that he'd fallen in love with Liv. He'd probably been in love with her forever… it had just taken him too damn long to realize it.

END FLASHBACK


	6. Family

AN: Alright you guys, sorry for the delay I was transferring this story between computes. Hope you like. Four more chapters after this. Oh, and yes, Dick Wolf, you do own SVU and subsequently my life…

Back in the park Elliot mashed his hands into fists. Now he would never get a chance to be with Olivia, and he couldn't be with his daughter either. Damn he and Olivia for being too scared to make plans for something like this happening. If they hadn't spent all their time skirting this possibility, he could be home with Marie right now.

"Hey, man" Fin said, sitting down next to Elliot suddenly.

"How'd you know where I was?" Elliot asked, regarding Fin warily.

"I may not have been here since the beginning, but that doesn't mean I'm oblivious to the obvious. You and Liv always come out here when something big goes down"

"Yeah" Elliot shrugged not really acknowledging the statement. No matter how hard he and Liv tried to hide it, everyone knew they were way too close to be just friends. Elliot's heart suddenly jerked. "Where's Marie?" he asked frantically. If Fin was here, that meant the funeral was over.

"Relax man. Munch took her for ice cream. She's still young enough that ice cream makes it all better"

"Munch?" Elliot asked, exhaling a nervous breath. "Munch took her?"

"Yeah" Fin said with a smile. "Kids aren't really his thing, but Marie's special, you know that. Plus, she didn't need to be alone just then" Fin said, glancing in Elliot's direction. Elliot dropped his head into his hands guiltily.

"Fuck" Elliot mumbled under his breath. He'd _really _messed up at the funeral. That wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Olivia would be so upset if she were here...

"She's your, isn't she" Fin asked after a spell. "Marie, I mean"

"Yeah" Elliot sighed. It felt good to admit it. "She's me and Liv's"

"Where's she been staying?"

"With a neighbor, they have a son about her age. We never made plans for her if something like this ever happened; we just assumed it never would. Stupid, so damn stupid" Elliot exclaimed.

"You know she can't stay with the neighbor forever" Fin pressed.

"Yeah" Elliot said again. "I do. But, Liv's mom won't take her and I don't even want her with Serena. But, I don't have any legal rights unless I declare paternity, and Kathy has to sign the divorce papers for me to claim custody since Liv didn't make me a legal guardian. I don't know what to do"

"You'll figure it out, Stabler" Fin said. "It's hard right now. Liv was everyone's everything. No one quite knows what to do, she wasn't supposed to die"

"Let alone die young…" Elliot trailed off and looked at the sky, feeling helpless. 'Liv' he prayed silently. 'Whatever you're doing right now, know I would kill to be doing it with you. I miss you in a way I never thought possible…'

Elliot was waiting outside Liv's place when Munch brought Marie home. He knew he had no right to claim her, but he had to be the first person he saw just then. He needed her to know he would never leave her.

"Uncle Elliot" she exclaimed, running toward him the same way she had this morning, only this time he was the one wiping away her tears.

"Its okay, love, its okay" Elliot consoled her. He felt her tears wracking her small frame and his heart broke, again. Liv was the one who dealt with tears. He had no idea what to do.

"She's been holding that in for hours" Munch said, walking over to where Elliot was consoling Marie on the steps. He looked decades older, but then, so did the world. Liv had given so much to everyone; nobody could adjust to living without her.

"Thank you" Elliot said to Munch, rubbing Marie's back, desperate for her to stop crying.

"No problem, if I was ever stupid enough to create a mini-Munch, I know you'd do the same thing for me." Elliot laughed. At least Munch was still Munch.

"Does everyone hate me?" Elliot asked, knowing the inevitable answer.

"Right now, yes, but everyone always hates someone when something bad happens" Munch theorized. "We all take a page from the government and just pick someone to be our scapegoat." Elliot laughed again.

"Uncle Elliot," Marie interrupted as Elliot picked her up. "Will you spend the night? I don't want to have a sleepover with Mr. Keller's son"

"Sure, Marie, of course. Why don't we play a game?" Elliot asked, transferring her weight off his bad arm. Munch stood up with them.

"Marie, make sure you beat Elliot here at Clue, don't want him to think he's that good of a detective." Marie and Elliot laughed then, and Marie dropped her head on Elliot's shoulder, her eyes closing.

"We may not get there tonight" Elliot said, holding her head against his shoulder, liking the way he felt less insane with her in his arms. "Thanks again, John…for everything"

"Of course" Munch said walking backward toward the car. He hesitated before getting in, watching Elliot's tenderness with Marie, his intuitiveness of her every need. "Oh and Elliot?"

"Yeah?" Elliot turned back around, dragging his eyes off Marie's dozing form.

"Uncle my ass"

He tucked Marie into her bed and sat next to her, running his fingers through her hair. Her hair was exactly like Liv's, soft and dark brown—honey in the sun. Asleep she looked just like he imagined Liv looked as a child. But, when she opened her eyes, she was all Stabler. The bright, navy blue eyes attested to that fact better than any DNA test could. He sighed then, wishing Liv could be right next to him and their daughter. All he'd ever wanted was for the three of them to be together as a family. Except for birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas, they'd rarely had the chance to be together as a family. They did their best though, spending random Saturdays in the park together, occasionally having dinner with the other members of the Stabler clan. But, as Elliot glanced around the bedroom he noticed that there weren't any pictures of the three of them together. They'd been a secret family, not the type to take photos or vacations together. He stood up then and kissed Marie good night. What he wouldn't give for everything to be different. He walked into Olivia's room, wanting to be close to her. On her dresser was the only picture of him and his daughter together, it had been taken on Marie's first birthday…

AN: Drop a review guys. Its quick and painless, I promise.


	7. Tonight

FLASHBACK

Elliot had had his partner back for a little over a month, Olivia had taken the minimal nine months maternity leave and come right back. She had fought like hell to get back in the field, and couldn't be stopped now. She was back and better than ever. Elliot hadn't realized how much he missed seeing Olivia everyday until she'd gone on maternity leave. He'd restricted his visits to her apartment while she was on leave, knowing that they had to be extra careful when the paternity of her child was so in question. She'd made it very clear that she didn't want to give anyone anything to talk about, no matter how hard it was. He'd been able to visit her under the pretense of work, but that was never enough, for either of them. Her last trimester had required cribs and clothes and bottles to be bought, as well as worries to be dealt with. It was hard for Olivia to only have help for an hour every week or so and it was just as hard for Elliot to watch her struggle, knowing he couldn't do anything about it.

Elliot had managed to be there for his daughter's birth, but that was mainly because Olivia didn't have anyone else. Her due day had been chaotic. She'd called him at five in the morning, practically in tears. Her water had broken and she'd thought she'd had time, but the contractions were coming too quickly now for her to wait for a cab. He'd rushed over, throwing on his siren, and gotten her to the hospital. The rest is one blurry mess of a memory. Doctors rushing around, monitors beeping, Liv pushing and finally a doctor asking him to cut the cord. The only clear memory is holding his daughter. Liv named her Marie, Elliot had been speechless….He looked over at Olivia then. She was typing on her computer, her brow furrowed.

"How's Marie?" he asked casually. Even though Liv let him be as big a part of Marie's life as was safe, he always hungered for more.

"She's great" Olivia gushed. Her love for Marie was something that could never be measured. "Bigger now, I'm always surprised when I pick her up"

"Her birthday's this Saturday, I already got her something" Elliot said. Liv flashed him a smile.

"Ooh, what'd you get her?" she asked excitedly. Growing up with a drunk-mother and a rapist-father she had never known, Liv had never had super birthdays as a child. She'd always planned to overcompensate by going all out for her child. Marie was beyond lucky to have a mother like her.

"I want it to be a surprise, for both of you" he said with a mischievous smile. Liv rolled her eyes.

"El, you know what smiles like that lead to" she said breezily.

"And?" he asked, reaching for her hand in a very non-partner type of way. Liv's eyes narrowed.

"Elliot" she said tried to chastise him as she jerked her hand away. She self-consciously cast a glance around the bullpen. Luckily, Fin and Munch were in the field and Cragen's door was shut. Elliot sighed resignedly in response to the secrecy of their non-relationship.

"I'll just leave the gift in your locker" he said, turning back to his computer.

"Or…" Liv began, "You could come over?"

"I just spent the weekend" Elliot stated cautiously.

"I know, but it's her _first _birthday. I want you to be there" she said, offering him a slight smile. Some would call the smile modest, but Elliot knew it to be cautious. She was making it very clear that whatever they did they had to do carefully. Elliot's heart gave a painful thud, what he wouldn't give to be able to hold her hand in public or to see his daughter every night before she fell asleep.

"Sure," he said finally. "Of course I'll be there"

"Mr. Keller's son is coming too," Liv said, turning back to her computer. "You can bring Katie, Mo, Lizzie and Dickie if you like"

"Kathy took the kids to her mother's for the week" he said tentatively. He knew how badly Liv wanted Marie to know her half-siblings, even if the kids would never know their kinship.

"Oh, that's fine" she said, hiding her disappointment. "It'll be a party all the same"

And it was. Olivia had outdone herself for a birthday Marie would only remember through pictures. Mr. Keller's son came down with colic, so it was only Marie, Elliot and Liv. They had cake, or rather Marie's highchair had cake, and Marie had whatever she could lick off her fingers. Olivia gave Marie—and herself—a new state-of-the-art stroller, a rattle that said NYPD, and a teething ring to replace Marie's current one—Olivia's badge. Elliot purposefully waited until the very end to give Marie and Olivia his present. Olivia opened it, Marie situated on her lap. As soon as she saw it, she started crying. At first Elliot thought he'd done something wrong, until she leaned over Marie and kissed him passionately. Apparently the matching mother-daughter bracelets with O and M charms were perfect.

"If only there was could be an E" she said softly, her voice muffled by his kiss. He didn't respond, but kissed her more passionately, trying to silently reassure her that he wasn't going anywhere—ever.

It was the best night of his life. Olivia was an entirely different person with Marie. Her tough exterior melted and Elliot could see some of the many reasons he had fallen in love with her throughout the years. They slept together that night, only their second time in as many years. Just before drifting off to sleep in his arms, Olivia said:

"I want this to be how you remember us. The way we are tonight and nothing else"

END FLASHBACK

AN: Awww, this chapter always gets me. It was the easiest to write too…reviews reviews. Did you 'aww' at this chap?


	8. Mascara

AN: Okay, there's major fluff in the beginning of this chapter, and I don't do fluff very well. That might explain the shift toward smut and angst halfway through. Enjoy…

Elliot put the picture back, wishing he could remember their relationship only as it had been that night. But… he and Liv had had their fair share of ups and downs. Neither of them was perfect, and their situation was less than ideal. He walked into Liv's bathroom then. Her make-up was the exactly as she had left it. Mascara half closed, eyeliner capped but on the floor, and her lipstick rolling in the sink. He picked up the mascara then, remembering another moment in their relationship.

FLASHBACK

Elliot hadn't seen Marie for almost a month. Life had just jumped ahead of them. She was four now, and he always felt like he was missing moments in her life. He needed a damn pause button. Tonight though, Liv had called him to babysit, explaining that she could justify it because her usual sitter was sick. Elliot hated that Marie's own father had to be a back-up plan, but he couldn't complain. That was the only way things could work where they still kept their jobs and their secrets.

"Hey, Liv!" Elliot called, letting himself into her apartment.

"In the bedroom" she called back. Elliot could hear drawers opening and closing and shoes being thrown across the room. He turned toward the bedroom with a smile on his face when Marie tackled his leg.

"Uncle Elliot" she screamed. Liv had started her saying 'uncle' ever since she'd been able to talk. If she'd said 'daddy' all hell would have broken loose. "Look, my tooth's loose" she exclaimed.

"Oh, cool" Elliot said bending down to her level. "Just wait till it falls out. I bet the tooth fairy is already planning the fortune she's going to give you."

"Like a whole dollar?" Marie asked with her childish innocence.

"Maybe even two" Elliot said, he could hear Liv chuckling from the bedroom.

"Uncle Elliot" Marie asked, tugging on his shirt even though she hadn't lost his attention. "Can we play detective tonight?" she asked, looking up at him hopefully.

"Sure, love, go hide the clues" he said, laughing. He walked into the bedroom to find Olivia then. He stumbled over high heels and black satin slips, but didn't see her. "Liv?" he called, placing a stiletto back in the closet.

"Bathroom" she said. The door to the bathroom was half open.

"Marie's already losing teeth" he said, beginning to push the bathroom door open. "You're going to be broke by the time she's seven" he laughed, opening the door fully. Liv was standing in front of the mirror doing her make-up, clad only in a black lace bra and panties. When she saw him, she turned toward him and unintentionally giving him a full view.

"Tell me about it" she said, laughing and turning back towards the mirror. It certainly wasn't the first time he'd seen her half naked, but that didn't mean it ever stopped being amazing.

"Big night?" he asked, leaning on the door frame and admiring the view. Liv continued putting on mascara.

"Maybe" she said, shrugging. The barely there strap of her bra slid down her shoulder. Elliot reached out and pulled it up. He let his hand linger, caressing her shoulder. She met his eyes in the mirror.

"Maybe?" he asked, dipping his head down and kissing her neck. "Maybe doesn't sound so promising, why don't we turn it into a certainly and spend the night in?"

"El, Marie's in the other room" Liv gasped, not fighting him off in the least. He trailed the kisses from her ear to her shoulder.

"Yeah, she is" he stated, leaning against her. He felt her responding and he pressed closer, kissing her shoulders. She turned around in his arms and he kissed her mouth and trailed the kiss down again. Liv gave a little moan.

"El, stop" she said, knowing where this was headed. She grabbed her robe off the back of the door and put it on, revealing a slinky black party dress and stilettos she hadn't worn since Marie was born. Elliot's eyes narrowed.

"Big night indeed" he said sarcastically, watching a blush creep along her neckline where her silk robe gapped open. "I didn't know you got this dressed up for Casey?"

"Maybe you don't know everything about me?" Liv said nonchalantly.

"Bullshit" Elliot snorted, fixing her with a look.

"What?" Liv snapped. "I haven't been in this good of shape since before Marie was born, why not show it off?" she questioned, turning her full attention back to her reflection. She began to apply some red lipstick and fluff her hair.

"What's his name?" Elliot asked angrily, his hands clenching into fists automatically.

"Why?" Liv asked, capping the lipstick and slamming it down on the counter. It rolled into the sink, but she didn't notice. She sat down on the toilet and began to pull on sheer black pantyhose, her matching O and M charm bracelet flashing. She connected the hose to a garter belt she pulled from a drawer under the sink. She screamed sensuality. The only thing keeping Elliot from forgetting his anger was that she was doing all this for some other man.

"Tell me, Olivia" he said harshly.

"So you can run him through the system?" she asked. "That was cute when I first met you, but I think we both know things are different now" she said matter-of-factly. She finished with the stockings and stepped into her dress. The back was a bunch of complicated old-fashioned buttons—sexy as hell. She buttoned each one with ease, not bothering to ask for help.

"Olivia, Marie's only four" Elliot protested as he watched her, transfixed.

"Exactly" Olivia said pointedly. "She needs a father in the house"

"_Olivia!_" Elliot half-laughed half-shouted. "What the f—" he remembered Marie was in the other room and censored himself—"am I?"

"Do you really expect me—us—to wait for you?" she asked as she completed the last button and turned to face him. The full affect was stunning to say the least.

"I'm here now, Olivia! I'm right here when you called!" he exclaimed. Liv stepped into her heels and they came face to face. She smiled resignedly and reached for his hand, spinning his wedding band around his finger.

"But, where will you be tomorrow?" she asked quietly. The air seemed to thicken around them with the weight of their fucked up situation.

"Olivia, I'm here for you _now_" he whispered, leaning in to try to kiss her. She turned her face from him though, looking down at the floor.

"Exactly, El" she said. "You're here now, but we both know it's nothing more than borrowed time" she said, dropping his hand and walking out of the bathroom. "Marie, love, come tell Mommy good-bye."

Elliot looked around himself, trying to control his temper. Liv's mascara was half-capped, drawers were open and the eyeliner was on the floor. He threw the mascara against the shower wall and kicked the eyeliner behind the toilet.

"Dammit" he exclaimed under his breath. He was losing Liv and he had no idea how to stop it. He heard her stand up in the living room and kiss Marie one last time, and he moved into the living room just as she was grabbing her purse. She pulled on a black sheer shawl and Elliot stepped up to open the door for her. "Don't fall in love with him, Liv. I can already tell that he probably doesn't deserve you" he whispered. Olivia smiled provocatively, knowing that it set his blood on fire. She loved Elliot, but she couldn't wait for him, and neither could Marie.

"I'll be back before one" she said, putting a hand to his face and leaving in a swirl of black lace and perfume.

END FLASHBACK  
She actually got back that night _after two_. Elliot had fallen asleep on the couch watching _The Wizard of Oz_ with Marie. Liv had tiptoed in, took Marie to bed and then woken him up, telling him that he could go home or crash on the couch. Elliot remembered waking up to her body hovering over his, his eyes immediately falling on the beginnings of a hickey on her shoulder. Elliot had instantly felt anger flood his body when he realized that either he _or_ the jerk she had gone out with could have given it to her. She had stood back then, waiting for his decision, and Elliot could see her lips were swollen from kissing. He'd lost it then and said the first and most hurtful thing he could think of. His only goal in speaking had been to hurt her. He remembered her face that night, so shocked and saddened in the shadows. She had instantly reached for his jacket, badge and cell phone and thrown them into the hall, kicking him out with tears in her eyes. Even to this day, he couldn't believe he had accused her of not caring about Marie.

He capped her mascara then. It was the same brand she had been using for years, plain old drugstore CoverGirl. He picked up her eyeliner, remembering it rolling behind the toilet. He sighed, after the "date fight," every time they spoke they fought, even at work. If it wasn't a cold hard fact about a case, they fought over it. Something as menial as who drove was a monumental fight. They had so many unresolved issues that it just got to the point where they both considered transferring out of SVU to get away from each other. It was one of the most difficult times in his life. He actually thought that he had lost the best thing he had because he had been a vengeful fool. He placed her make-up in her medicine cabinet, and his eyes fell on her half empty bottle of aspirin, reminding him of the day he realized he could never lose Olivia.


	9. Mother

FLASHBACK

"Where the hell is Olivia?" Cragen bellowed into the bullpen as a uniform brought in yet another suspect. Olivia had taken Monday and Tuesday off, but sworn she would be in by Wednesday. The precinct was swarming with people, making today one of the busiest days all week. Possibly all year. "Elliot, find your damn partner" Cragen said, frantically accepting another file. "And tell her she had better have a good excuse, she's got victims lined up to see her."

"On it, Cap" Elliot said. He quickly dialed Olivia's number worriedly, trying not to imagine all the horrible things that could have befallen her. The phone rang once, twice, three times, four…_click!_

"_You've reached Olivia Benson. I'm not able to take your call right now. If it's an emergency dial 911 immediately or please leave your name and number. Thank you_"

"Damn," Elliot mumbled, quickly redialing. He called five more times before reaching for his keys and gun to track her down. Suddenly his cell phone started shrieking. "Olivia?" he answered quickly.

"Yeah, it's me" she said into the phone, her voice was hoarse and she sounded tired. "Call off the dogs. I'm in the elevator now." Elliot heard the elevator ding and Olivia came rushing into the precinct.

"Where the hell have you been?" he asked her angrily. It had become their thing, arguing that is. There was no middle ground, just arguing. To his surprise Olivia just sat down tiredly in her desk and coughed; no quick hurtful retort at the ready.

"Marie started pre-school a month ago and-"

"I already know that" Elliot snapped. "I didn't get to be there." Olivia coughed again and shot him a deadly look.

"Well if you know everything" she said, opening a file and ignoring him.

"Oh please, Olivia" Elliot scoffed, "Don't be so dramatic. Why were you late? Is Marie alright?" he asked anxiously.

"She will be. She caught the flu that was going around at pre-school, and last night her fever spiked to 103. We spent the night in the ER"

"Why didn't you call me?" Elliot exclaimed.

"And I would do that, why?" she asked sarcastically. "If I'm going to argue with you, I'd prefer not to do it by Marie's hospital bedside." Her tone was harsh, but she was clearly losing her voice and some of her malice was lost in the delivery. She coughed again and reached for her cell phone, changing the babysitter's ringtone to something shrill and unable to be missed.

"Don't tell me you left her with some babysitter, Olivia?" Elliot demanded. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, she had been crying. Elliot shook his head then, he remembered being scared out of his mind and crying over Maureen's first illness. But even that bit of sympathy for Liv didn't absolve her for leaving Marie…

"I have to work, Elliot. Cragen will fire my ass if I miss another day. You know the holidays are rape season" Liv said softly.

"Marie had fever of 103 and spent the night in the ER. What part of that are you just _missing_?" Elliot asked, getting up in her face.

"I sure as hell couldn't call and ask you to babysit" Olivia whispered harshly.

"_Olivia_!" Elliot exclaimed exasperatedly.

"What the fuck was I supposed to do, Elliot? _What_?" Olivia exclaimed, her voice cracking on the end. She broke off in a coughing fit and Elliot couldn't tell if it was real or used to hide her tears of frustration. Fin and Munch tried to not to stare at the blow-up between SVU's finest.

"What were you supposed to do Liv? How does not leave Marie alone sound?" Elliot exclaimed, knocking a bunch of files onto the floor before stalking off to call Liv's babysitter. Fin and Munch did look over then.

"Hey, Liv" Munch called, "Everything alright?" Olivia tried to respond, but was still coughing. Fin came over and sat her down on her desk, calming her down. When she was able to take a clear breath, she buried her head in her hands and started to cry.

"Go get her some tea, none of that damn coffee of yours" Fin said to Munch. "Liv…Olivia" Fin said, bringing her tearstained face up. "Hey, what's going on?"

"It's just" Olivia whispered, wiping what could only be day old make-up from underneath her eyes, "Marie's had that really nasty flu since last Saturday, and it's the first time she's been really sick. I thought I had it all under control. You know: vapor rub, tea, rest. But last night her fever spiked to 103 and I had to take her to the ER. The ER doc swore I did the right thing by bringing her in, but I can't help but think if I had been watching what she ate and monitoring how much she slept that she never would have gotten sick in the first place" she broke off and started coughing again. Munch came back then and handed her the tea. "Thank you" she said weakly.

"Olivia" Munch said. "I know you and Elliot have that whole love-hate thing working for you." Liv laughed slightly. "But I think you guys have tipped the scales a bit too far into the hate zone"

"I know. God, I know" Olivia said, dropping her head back into her hands. "I'm just so anxious about Marie and trying to find a new place where we both fit, and Elliot's got the divorce thing with Kathy and Kathleen just got that DUI" she broke off and took a sip of her tea. "Cragen always says to worry when you don't feel something, I don't think he quite meant it this way" she joked. Fin and Munch smiled, more to appease her than anything else. They were worried, she was pale, coughing and looked as if she hadn't slept in days.

"Liv, why don't you take a day? Go be with Marie, we can cover for you" Fin said. She was on the verge of saying okay out of sheer exhaustion, when Cragen appeared.

"Where have you been Benson?" Cragen said. "You have a vic at the hospital that isn't comfortable with a male detective"

"So much for that idea" Liv said tiredly to Fin and Munch. "Thanks guys," she said, handing them her cup of tea. "I'm on it, Cap"

"Take you partner" Cragen said. "Or is it his turn to disappear?"

"I'll find him, Cap. I got it" Olivia said wearily, speed dialing Elliot's cell as she began to look for him. _Chasing after Elliot, story of my life…_.

Late that night, Elliot sat in front of his T.V. with every public school website open in front of him, as well as numerous brochures for private schools scattered on his couch. His kids had gone to P.S 149 in Queens, and been no worse for the wear. However, Olivia wanted every opportunity afforded to Marie and he would be damned if he didn't help give it to her. After their fight this morning, Olivia had tracked him down and told him they had a case. He had reluctantly stopped trying to convince the babysitter to bring Marie to the precinct so he could care for her, and followed Olivia out. They spent the majority of the morning in stony silence. Olivia had been too worn out to fight, and Elliot too mad to form a coherent argument. Liv had been tired and coughing all day. In his agitated state, Elliot had finally snapped at her to just go home. That had gotten him a deadly look and partnered with Fin for the rest of the day. He rubbed his eyes then, wondering how Liv and Marie were doing now. This couldn't be how he was going to live, never knowing how the two most important people in his life were doing. His phone rang suddenly then.

"Hello?" he answered groggily. He glanced at his clock, it was three a.m.

"Elliot Stabler?" a strange voice questioned.

"Speaking" Elliot replied anxiously. "Who is this?"

"This is Dr. Ross from Mercy General. Your daughter was just admitted to the ER"

"Marie? Is she alright?" Elliot asked, already pulling on his jacket.

"She's fine, just slightly dehydrated. But, I think you should come see your wife"

"I'm leaving now"

Elliot arrived at the hospital in record time. He had thrown on his siren and practically flown there.

"I'm looking for an Olivia and Marie Benson?" he snapped at the nurse at check in. She rolled her eyes at his rudeness and began to check for Liv's name.

"I'm sorry, but there's no one here under that name"

"What are you stu-" he stopped, remembering the man had said wife. "Try Stabler. Olivia and Marie Stabler." The nurse sighed and retyped the name.

"Room 229" she said evenly. Elliot was already halfway up the stairs.

"Olivia" he said frantically, bursting into room 229. He saw Marie asleep peacefully on her side, and exhaled. That was when he saw Olivia. She was sitting by Marie's bedside, manically brushing her daughter's hair out of her face. She was weeping, just absolutely bawling. "Olivia" Elliot said, walking over to her. He tried to pull her away.

"Get off me, Elliot" Olivia said. "Just go away"

"Olivia, you called me!" Elliot exclaimed.

"No, the damn doctor called you! He asked for my NOK and I told him your name. He just made the assumption that you were my husband." Marie rolled over in her sleep then.

"Mommy?" she asked.

"I'm here, love, I'm here. How do you feel? You need anything?" Olivia asked, halfway out of her chair, and poised to run and get anything Marie needed at a second's notice.

"No, I'm fine. Tired" Marie said, and then she turned her head and smiled. "Uncle Elliot, what are you doing here?" she asked, yawning confusedly. Elliot rushed to her bedside and hugged her.

"How are you Marie, you feeling okay?" But, Marie had already fallen back asleep.

"Get away from her" Olivia said suddenly, pulling him away. Elliot grabbed her arm and pulled her into the adjacent room so Marie could sleep in peace. She fell in to a coughing fit as she squared off for the argument.

"_Olivia_, _what is your problem?_" Elliot shrieked. Olivia shoved him weakly, all her strength gone.

"I don't have one! I'm doing just fine without you, I've got it all under control" she yelled back. "I don't need you here! I've got it…I've got it" she said, falling into another coughing fit.

"Olivia, please" Elliot scoffed. "You look like you're ready to pass out and you've been coughing all day. How much do you want to bet you have a fever?"

"This isn't about me!" she yelled back. Elliot paced to the wall and then back to face her.

"You know what? You're damn right. It's _not_ about you this time. It's about Marie. Now act like a grown up and quit arguing with me and do the best thing for Marie" Elliot criticized her, going back to sit with Marie.

"I'm a good mother, Elliot. I'm a damn good mother!" she shrieked.

"Where the hell did that come from?" Elliot asked, stopping to face her.

"I'm a good mother. I care about Marie. This can't be my fault…this just can't be my fault" she said, falling against his chest and weeping. It was just as he thought, she was burning up. She had no idea what she was trying to say. He held her as she burst into a fresh set of tears. The doctor passed the doorway just then.

"You must be Elliot" he said, relieved. Elliot nodded, still consoling Olivia. "She's running a high fever and is in the late stages of the flu your daughter's recovering from. We need to admit her, but we can't convince her leave your daughter." Elliot took in what the doctor was saying and nodded.

"It's alright, I've got it" he said. "I'll take it from here." The doctor nodded and gave them some privacy. "Olivia, breathe" Elliot said, wrapping her up in his arms. "Just breathe for a minute." He waited until she calmed down. "Now tell me what happened?"

"I don't even know" she wept, beginning to pace. "One minute Marie's playing with her toys, and then in the next minute she says she isn't feeling well and she faints. Now she's hooked up to IVs and machines are beeping. She's on medication. I don't know what I'm doing with Marie. I don't have a clue…"

"Olivia, Olivia" Elliot said, stopping her in the midst of her horrified rambling. "This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault"

"Yes it is. I didn't pay attention to Marie. I called babysitters, I was working, I went on dates. You're right, I don't care about Marie"

"So that is what this is about" he said, dawning realization. "Olivia, I'm so sorry I said that. I didn't mean any of it. I was just mad I couldn't be Marie's father the way I was supposed to be. You're a great mother. The best even."

"Bullshit, Elliot" she scoffed sadly. "If I'm such a good mother, then why is she sick? What did I do?

"Nothing, Olivia. Absolutely nothing. Kids get sick. I know you know that"

"Elliot, I was just so scared. I can't do this alone. I just can't…" she fell against him then and Elliot felt her strength flagging. She probably hadn't slept since Marie fell ill.

"Liv, let the doctors take care of you" he said, easing her down into a chair.

"Marie…" she said. Her breathing was becoming labored and her cough rattled in her chest.

"I've got it" he said as he discretely paged the doctor. The doctor came in with a wheelchair on cue, and Elliot helped Olivia in. "You good?" Liv nodded weakly. "Now don't fight the doctors, they actually do know better than you do" he said with a smile.

"I love you, Elliot" she said. Elliot smiled. It was the first time she had ever said that to him. Through five years of a relationship, and even more of a partnership, she had never said it before.

"I love you too. I always have"

END FLASHBACK


	10. Goodbye

AN: Before the much anticipated conclusion, I just must say that Elliot, Olivia and Kathy do not belong to me…*sigh*

Elliot walked over to Olivia's bed then. It still smelled of her. He crawled in and curled into a ball. Sleeping in this bed without Olivia was harder than he thought, but something he had to do. He closed his eyes, letting the memories float across his mind. After Olivia and Marie were released from the hospital, he and Olivia made whatever they had between them work. That was their only goal, to make 'it' work. They couldn't date, but they could be in love with each other. They could care about each other. Elliot had a room set up at his house for Marie, served Kathy with new divorce papers and threatened legal action if she didn't sign. Olivia admitted that those dates had meant nothing to her, and that she had always been in love with him, but was just afraid of being by herself and raising a child. It may have taken drastic measures and a horrific situation for them to realize it, but the only person for either of them was each other…

That didn't mean everything moved smoothly though. Olivia never did find the bigger apartment she needed. Elliot never did get Kathy to sign the divorce papers, but wound up fighting a huge legal battle in court where neither of them won. They had another pregnancy scare that ended in a miscarriage, and Elliot was suspended for supposed police brutality. Marie caught the chicken pocks, and gave them to Dickie and Lizzie, who had never had them before. Olivia struggled to be a single mother at Marie's private kindergarten where everyone was a Fifth Avenue power mom. They grew apart, and they came back together. Nothing was perfect, but nothing seemed impossible as long as they had each other. It was simple really. They could fight, they could argue, but they would never fall out of love with each other. Ever.

He slept in Olivia's bed that night. Or rather he dreamed of Olivia while pretending to sleep in her bed that night. He was awoken by Marie, who crawled in the bed next to him early the next morning.

"Uncle Elliot is mommy really gone?" she asked, snuggling in toward him. He wrapped his arms around her.

"Ye-" he began, and then changed his answer. "No. You'll always have mommy. She may not be able to hold you or talk to you, but you'll always have her. We both will"

"I want her to be _here_ though" Marie whimpered. Elliot looked down.

"It's okay to cry, Marie" he consoled. "I want mommy here too, but it can't be that way. I know that's hard to understand right now, but it will get better. Maybe not right now, but eventually" he said. And then he shut-up and just held his daughter. They stayed curled up in Liv's bed for hours, not really talking and just crying together so they didn't have to do so alone. Morning quickly turned into late afternoon and Elliot remembered that Marie still had to eat. "You want to go get lunch, love?" he asked her. She shook her head no.

"I want to go say good-bye" she said slowly. She sat up and Elliot pulled her into his lap. "When she left the morning she…" Elliot nodded sadly. Poor Marie, all she knew was that one day she had her mother and the next she didn't.

"The morning she died" Elliot said, his voice hitching on tears.

"I…I… didn't…. say good…bye" Marie said between bursts of tears. "I want to go say good-bye"

"Are you sure?" he asked her gently, holding her close. She nodded and played with her bracelet, the golden O and M charms swinging together. "Alright then" Elliot said. "Let's go get you dressed"

They arrived at the graveyard under a black sky. It was bitterly cold and snow was inevitable. Elliot took Marie's hand and walked her to Olivia's grave. Flowers covered the freshly upturned earth and her tombstone read: _Olivia Benson. Beloved by all._ Cragen and the rest of the squad had chosen it. Elliot had refused to have any part in her funeral. It had just been _too_ hard. Marie looked up at Elliot then and he nodded. She knelt down and placed one stark white lily on the grave.

"Good-bye, mommy" she said softly, tears falling down her face. Elliot was practically bawling. This was the hardest thing he had _ever _done. He had watched vics commit suicide and perps go down in a shoot-out, but none of that could have prepared him for this. "I love you" Marie said. She didn't move then, but sat down on the cold earth and just stared at the tombstone. Elliot sat down next to her and pulled her into his lap.

"You know she loves you very much" Elliot said. Marie nodded, and Elliot decided that silence was best. They both just sat there and silently said good-bye to Olivia. Elliot didn't pretend not to cry, he just let himself miss his partner, his daughter's mother, the woman he'd fallen in love with back in '99 and, his entire life. It started snowing before Elliot picked up Marie off the ground, knowing they would both catch a cold. She buried her face in shoulder and cried. "Good-bye, Olivia" he said. "I love you." He walked back to the Sedan and was shocked to see Kathy waiting for him.

"Aunt Kathy?" Marie asked, confused. "Did you come to say good-bye to mommy too?"

"No" Kathy said quickly, her eyes flickering. "But I have something for you." She reached in her purse and pulled out a lollipop and handed it to her. "Why don't you eat that in the car while I talk to your Uncle Elliot?" she asked sweetly. Elliot frowned, _what was she up to?_

"What are you doing here?" Elliot asked after buckling Marie into the car and cranking the heat for her. Kathy reached into her purse again and handed him a stack of papers in a yellow envelope.

"Signed, sealed and ready for delivery" she said evenly. Elliot looked in the envelope. The divorce papers sat neatly in chronological order, Kathy's signature next to his.

"You could have mailed these to me" he said.

"I could have, but I wanted you to hear what I have to say in person" she said. Elliot leaned against the car, less than willing to have a conversation with his—finally—ex-wife. "I'm really sorry that Olivia's gone, but I'll never be sorry that I stood in the way of you and her having a relationship"

"I'm not listening to this" Elliot said, going around to the driver's side of the car.

"Elliot" Kathy said sternly.

"What, Kathy? What?" he asked exasperatedly.

"I wasn't finished" she said. "I'm not sorry that you never got a chance to be with Olivia, but I'm not going to stand in the way of you having a relationship your daughter. She deserves better than Serena Benson, and I know you would never watch her bounce around in foster care" Kathy said vehemently. She stood back and Elliot suddenly saw his life with Kathy _and_ with Olivia just flash before his eyes. All the pain and happiness and togetherness nearly brought him to his knees. He blinked several times then, clearing his head.

"Thank you" Elliot said. That was all he could think of to say. This was never the way he imagined things to end between him and Kathy. It was entirely too civil.

"I know you'll take care of her, Elliot" Kathy said. She reached into her bag once again and pulled out another letter. "Olivia gave this to me when she found out she was pregnant" she said, handing the letter over. It simply read _If I Die Young_ on the front in Liv's handwriting.

"Olivia gave this to _you_?" Elliot asked.

"Don't ask me why" Kathy said with a shrug.

"I wasn't going to" Elliot said. This was just like Liv, trying to reconcile him with his ex-wife even from the grave. Kathy gave a faint smile.

"You want the kids this weekend?" she asked. Elliot nodded and Kathy returned the gesture. There was nothing left for them to say. "Alright then, see you around" she said, walking over to her car and getting in. Elliot watched his ex-wife go, and then opened the letter.

_El,_

_ Nothing's as terrible as you think it is. I would say that I love you, but you already know I do. I ask you to do only one thing…love our daughter._

_ Liv_

Elliot turned the paper over and realized Olivia had written the letter on the back a form signing over her parental rights to him. _I, Olivia Benson, hereby relinquish custody of Marie Beatrice Benson, to her father, Elliot Stabler._

AN: C'est fini…what do you think? Drop me a review. I'll be posting some '**deleted scenes**' soon. Look for those! I also have the beginnings of a new story queued up. I have the beginning of a series that only needs to be chaptered, and another full length stand-alone that is in the editing process. It's a bit of a hot mess right now, but I think you will like it. I think it's my best E/O so far. Look out for those deleted scenes and drop a review, thanks!


End file.
